GumNut: A Masterpiece

by someone brilliant in Aurora, CO

Dear person from Aurora, CO who wrote this masterpiece,

We are better off because of you.

Sincerely,

Humanity

A classic Craigslist post that will live in infamy.

Koala Bear (Aurora)

I have a 3 year old Koala bear named GumNut, that I am desperately trying to find a new home for. I bought him in January figuring it would be an awesome pet that would enjoy living in my greenhouse, sadly I was wrong. I paid $3200 for him back in January and I am not sure what the used Koala bear market is like in a good economy or the one we have now; so I am open to offers. Please use some common sense before contacting me, don’t be an idiot, I am not interested in trading my Koala Bear for your busted up 1980’s Camero, pictures of your naked wife, or an offer to paint my garage door.

GumNut’s stats:

The GOOD:

1. He is somewhat housebroken, uses a cat box most of the time.

2. For the most part he is very quiet; this also falls into the bad category which we will touch on in a moment.

3. He eats spiders, (not kidding) we haven’t had a spider in our house since we got him.

4. He hates watching Desperate Housewives, used to be my wife’s favorite show until GumNut bit her for changing the channel from jeopardy, to Desperate Housewives.

5. Gets along well with one of my two dogs.

6. Loves to go for car rides.

Now for the BAD:

1. He eats a lot of eucalyptus, which is not as cheap as I expected.

2. Apparently eucalyptus is like a drug for Koala Bears, when GumNut is coming down from his high he becomes very violent and aggressive.

3. He raped and killed my wife’s cat “Miss Kitty” (Honestly, I wanted to put this in the good section because I’ve been trying to find a way to get that worthless cat out of the house for two years, thanks to GumNut.)

4. He does not like Asians, I have no idea where this Koala was raised but someone of Asian Decent must have really mistreated him.

5. Loves Vin Diesel movies, not sure why, he just does.

6. He has extremely sharp claws and teeth which he uses often.

7. Loves shiny objects, steals and hides them frequently in my dog’s rear end.

8. He is quiet, and as a result has snuck in on my wife and I during intimate moments. I mind him watching; maybe it won’t bother you as much.

9. GumNut smells terrible and is not easy to wash. I had to hold a gas soaked rag over his mouth till he blacked out to get him in this tub for a bath.

10. Once he is in the water he is fine, getting him into the water IS the challenge, he will scratch you, he will bite you, and you will bleed.